| Crime | Punishment |
| Pregame too many classes | Devise GAP |
| Disagree with Dr. Kington | Annual salary cut by 50 percent |
| No Bernie 2020 sticker on car | 10x income tax (see Dr. Esty for details regarding financial aid) |
| Recognize value of tradition | 24-hour CaMD lock-in |
| Dress conventionally, no tattoos | Ten minute conversation with teaching fellows |
| Allow children to run free in Commons | Forced vasectomy followed by 16th trimester abortion |
| Pronouns not in email signature | Attend every Brace scholar speech until death |
| Recall time when Andover had dominant boys’ sports | Prolonged eye contact with a glaring Ms. Joel |
| Well-liked in high school | Shunned by Andover colleagues |
| Suggest a political ASM speaker | Death. |
