Phillipian Satire: Worst Things Andover Has Done

1. Commons pollock: Needs no explanation. By far the worst on this list. 
2. Freshman and Lower EBI classes: the biggest waste of time ever
   endured. Ironically, we discuss topics like time management by wasting 45 valuable minutes in EBI.
3. Allowing boys to wear Speedos and slap each other’s penises underwater: an atrocity under the guise of “water polo.”
4. Academic rigor: encourages copious amounts of drug and alcohol consumption whenever possible. Shortens the “bright” future Andover promises.
5. House counselors having sex: No one needs to hear that while trying to do Math 360 homework. 
6. Room searches: Where else am I going to store all of my illegal substances/sex toys?
7. Covid-19 vaccine mandates: My religious beliefs prohibit me from receiving this poison. (I have never been to church; I just agree with the 2nd amendment.)
8. Supporting affinity clubs: white people tried something like that in the 20th
   century, and it didn’t go too well…
9. Not creating buildings specifically for having sex: leads to “frozen erections” in the Cochran Bird Sanctuary where students have to assure their misled partners that it’s “usually bigger than this.”
10. Lying to students about not having cameras in bathrooms: look out for the infamous
    “blinking shower heads” in Borden Memorial Gym.

***Bonus! This one’s actually real. In 1835 Andover dismissed 50 students for forming an Anti-Slavery Society. This has not been mentioned in our four years spent at the Academy and it is shocking considering slavery was abolished in 1783 in Massachusetts. 

Scobey, D C, G S Towle, A Grover, H Eaton, and J W Phillsbury. “A Statement of the Circumstances Which Induced Fifty Students of Phillips Academy, Andover.” Lest we forget, August 5, 1835. https://www.andoverlestweforget.com/documents/the-liberator-august-15-1835/

• https://www.andoverlestweforget.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/1835-08-15-Liberator.pdf

https://answers.mhl.org/Slavery

Advertise with The Phillipian

Related Posts

Empathy, Balance, and Confusion

Editorial • Nov 4, 2019

The New Old: Andover’s EBI Program Returns to 2019 Structure

News • Oct 22, 2021

Empathy, Balance, & Dilution

Commentary • May 21, 2021

Advertise with The Phillipian

Support student journalism and get the latest Andover news delivered to your mailbox

Sign up for our weekly newsletter

Write for The Phillipian

Advertise with The Phillipian