The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Eighth Page Journalists Review Campus

THE GREAT LAWN – 4 stars
Probably up there as a top five lawns on campus especially considering that we aren’t allowed on any other lawn. The trees planted sporadically along each path are really just ideal for an unsuspecting student to slam into while trying to catch a football or, here at Andover, more likely a frisbee. Who needs teeth anyways? The lawn can also be a place of relaxation for the people who continue to decide that they need to suntan in front of the entire student body. Dually functioning as training grounds for spikeball, by far Andover’s most competitive sport, the lawn can be a place of fun competition and also angry competition followed by completely unintoxicated confrontation. It also has those two completely random, or how the administration likes to say, “beautiful” statues. There is that one cube that looks like it listened to an ASM speaker for too long and, to balance it out, we have the globe. A great spot by the way, the globe’s true brilliance can only really be discerned after sundown, usually following a brutal JV Lacrosse loss and best paired with extracurricular activities.

Playing JV Lacrosse has been the best decision of my life. I really like the casual nature of the team. Running suicides for a jersey swap has really strengthened my loyalty towards our coach and our team. Speaking of our coach, he has done an amazing job to lead us to a 2-10 record following the resignation of his legendary predecessor. I’m definitely playing next year!!!

THE DEN – 4 stars
The Den is the pinnacle of Andover’s vibrant culture; a haven for touchy Freshman couples and four day old cookie dough. Instead of sitting alone on a Saturday night, I can sit in a blue booth and play a game of Sorry with my many friends (mostly the teaching fellows on chaperoning duty). Campus depression solved and Sykes counselors put to shame — all thanks to The Den. My favorite activities include ordering a smoothie to hold up the line between classes, moshing hard during the infamous Den Dances (on par with Ibiza raves), and hitting my strawberry custard puff bar in the bathroom. It also offers me a place to practice being rude to workers so everyone around me knows there’s a chance I will make more money than them one day.

LOWER LEFT – 3.9 stars
Going into this experience, I didn’t know what to expect. Sure, Lower Left has a well-known reputation as “the place you only go for the espresso machine,” but I wanted to have an open mind. Upon walking into the room I was greeted with the pleasant, almost nostalgic scent of freshly made vegan tofu barbeque sliders, harkening back to the days when I was but a young lad. The grand windows coupled with the high chairs brought me back to my years as a baby, a feeling all too accentuated by the constant stream of lukewarm milk from the on-site drink machine. The students sitting about the place gave it a cozy, rustic feel. As I watched the hope slip out of their eyes as they scrambled to finish the history paper they had neglected to write for the past two weeks, I couldn’t help but feel better about myself and my own barely sustainable work practices. All in all, I would have to say that lower left is an underrated gem for those wishing for a simpler Andover experience, one devoid of the energy, crowds, and fun that define the rest of Paresky Commons. It is advised, however, that patrons avoid making eye contact with the locals; the students sitting there are not well-known for their social skills.