The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Big Oil Halts Production after Hearing about PASC

Breaking news out of Andover, Massachusetts this week as high school students bring an end to big oil following the efforts of their groundbreaking sustainability coalition. “It’s just really heartbreaking, y’know?” said Darren Woods, CEO of ExxonMobil following his attendance at the PASC’s pizza mixer. “I mean, I’ve been doing this sh*t for my whole life, and it’s like I’m just now realizing that, hey, maybe this isn’t so great. I am forever grateful to the genius minds behind the PA Sustainability Coalition for teaching me the error of my ways. Who would have known drilling holes into the earth and draining its most precious resource would mess sh*t up? If not for their earth-shattering revelations, my associates and I would have never known that what we were doing was wrong. I c—” We were unable to reach Mr. Woods for further comment, as he was tragically fileted alive by a nearby group of eco-leaders who recognized him as “one of the twelve ancient evils.” It is unclear what was meant by this, as our journalist on the scene was unfortunately crushed to death by the mob of adoring fans and followers surrounding the eco-leaders.

Though some oil companies were initially reluctant to follow in ExxonMobil’s footsteps, Andover’s Earth Week has swayed them all over. Amin H. Nasser, CEO of Saudi Aramco, said that the Earth Day demonstration in front of SamPhil was “the single greatest thing [he has] ever seen.” He believed that “it was as if the angels of heaven had descended to this earth and blessed us with the message of their immaculate chorus. [And that] those who deny this message shall be met with the wrath of a thousand gods, and they are angry gods indeed.” This quote was then followed by 17 hours of eco-leaders’ incessant seizing and speaking in foreign tongues, which has since become the Climate Cafe’s manifesto. Ironically, Nasser was still denied access to the most recent Cafe meeting as he was unable to get off the waitlist due to “not being important enough to meet the Cafe’s rigorous standards of admission.”