The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Leaked Email to a Student Kicked Out of the Andover Inn Bar

Dear Andover Community,

I am writing to inform you of an incident that occurred recently. Last night, a student managed to sneak into the Andover Inn bar and get “shmacked” before PACS was able to stop him, driving to the scene in their new and improved rides in just under an hour (kudos to our brave first-responders for cutting their average response time cleanly in half). The student has been apprehended and will likely do time. When the bartender was asked why he served a minor, he cited the individual’s gray hair as reason to believe the student was actually an elderly, tenured professor. Adding to the confusion, the student was drunk enough that he sounded like one too, rambling on about how much better Andover used to be. This is a problem in itself; Andover has a history of exclusivity and this person’s language has a hearkening back with nostalgia to a time when Phillips Academy was almost entirely white, male, and socioeconomically privileged. This messaging created an environment in which community members have felt unwelcome, intimidated, threatened, and at times even harmed. This said, we have explained to the Andover Inn staff that gray hair is a perfectly natural phenomenon during Upper Year, when the academic stress begins to have physical effects such as graying hair; deep, soulless eyes; and the relentless urge to drink.

Students, we understand that there is a lot of pressure on you. But relieving that pressure by getting snookered at the Andover Inn is unhealthy (and expensive). Instead, look for better outlets, like flying kites on the great lawn, walking with friends, or telling people their socks are untied (it works every time, haha). We hope that this incident will serve as a reminder to leave the untamed drinking to the scheduling department, and instead to focus on your studies. In the meantime, I hope the kitten GIF below helps.