The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Abbot Grant for Mental Health Denied

Dear Mr. Coholic and Ms. Loco,

We just received your Abbot Grant proposal, and we have to say we are concerned. While we appreciate your role as inspiration for Dean Esty’s anti-drinking memos, your request for a bar in the Den is unacceptable. Can you imagine what that would do to our community well-being, not to mention our Niche rating? You claimed your proposal was a solution to the mental health question, which doesn’t even make sense because everyone’s mental health here is awesome. The number of students who said they considered themselves happy on the State of the Academy was 100 percent, but the dean’s office verified that this number would actually be closer to 110 percent had The Phillipian’s liberal indoctrination not interfered. A bar would do nothing in the way of making students feel happier. If you do ever feel sad, you can just refer to one of the many compounded lists with breathing exercises that we have linked on the ASC canvas page.

Similarly, your long list of budgetary needs is obscene. We would much rather hoard our wealth and build new athletic centers for useless sports. Whilst I admire your patriotic attempt to create new jobs for Lower work duty, unfortunately being a bartender requires more knowledge of drinks than Colt .45. And a bouncer would be useless — the cool and well-liked teaching fellows who pick up chaperoning duty are perfectly capable of keeping the Den safe. The only budgetary need that was thoughtful is the buy-one-get-one-free OnlyFans model deal. We cannot go through on the proposal, but between you and me, I would never give up a deal that good. On that note, we will not be able to add a bar in the Den. You will, however, be hearing back from Dr. Amy Patel and the deans soon, as we would like to know a bit more about your “raging alcoholism.” I’d get started on your reflection now.

Grant Abbot