The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Leaked GAP of Disgraced Satirist

Dear Mr. [REDACTED],

As punishment for your terrible crime of trying to write an Eighth Page article ridiculing Andover’s land acknowledgement, we have compiled this GAP for you. We were actually crossing our fingers that lightning would strike you the instant you dared blaspheme against The Academy, but it looks like that didn’t happen, leaving the discipline up to us (sorry, Zeus).

First, write “I am sorry” on a blackboard 200 times. As a member of the unprotected class it is necessary that you apologize for things your ancestors did as well as your lack of action in the present. After you committed this heinous act we have been tracking your every move, and we have not once seen you pay respects to the people who were systematically displaced and continue to be impeded by forces of colonization. This should help instil this core aspect of our public image into your mind. I don’t know what sort of redneck, hillbilly school you went to before this one Mr. [REDACTED], but here at Andover we know right from wrong. We really do care about saying sorry. We need you to understand that you must change — you are the problem, and are a Kansas City Ch*efs fan. From henceforth on you will now refer to them as the Kansas City Victims. We really, really care that our public image aligns with the politics of the time, and we will stop at nothing until every donor sees how virtuous our signals truly are. 

Then, once you’ve done that, write an apology letter to every single person at this school for your harmful actions. How dare you make fun of our land acknowledgment. It truly brings about necessary and impactful conversations about the mistreatment of indigenous peoples and the seizure of their land by wh*te colonists, educating future generations about important histories and preparing them for inspiring futures. Your apologies should be in MLA format, and no less than 1,000 words. We hope you’ve learned your lesson.


The Deans Team 🥀