The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Abbot Grant Proposal Seeks to Answer the Mental Health Question

Abbot Grant for Bar at Den

Names of Proposers: Al Coholic, Cuatro Loco,  

Affiliation with Andover: Inspirational figure in Dean Esty’s weekly anti-drinking memos. 

Brief Name of Grant Proposal: More Effective than Sykes Counseling


Executive Summary: The idea of a bar in the Den graced me one day as I was sitting solemnly making a beer stein in my ancestral pottery class. My mom took my credit card, so this stein was all I really had left of my raging alcoholic tendencies. Buying Arizona’s from the Den with Blue Bucks just wasn’t the same. That’s when it dawned on me — what if the school combined the two things students love most: stale cookies and Colt .45, which then equals: A Den bar. RayK gave a Nespresso bar last year, what’s the harm in a real one? This will be a safe space for students, where unlike most places, a Blue Card will suffice for an ID (I learned that the hard way). What better way to unify the community than bringing together a bunch of depressed, “I prefer to drink alone in my room” type of kids so they can become well-liked, “let’s all drink together” kind of kids? And don’t worry — we will have mocktails for the facbrats. 


Implementation Plan:

Because I understand that implementing a bar would be hard work, I will try to keep everything locally sourced. After calling OPP yesterday to unlock my door, I have come to realize they need more purpose in their lives than exterminating ants and setting up space heaters for wimpy teenagers. OPP will go into the Sanctuary to get some trees to build a handcrafted bar top like the one at my dad’s gentleman’s club. I know that getting a liquor license can take a while, so we can just use the contents of my dorm’s black bags  (maybe can slide me my banana puffbar in for good measure). All the money can go towards the student fund! Trust me — the profits will blow the top donors out of the water.