The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: How the Eight Page plans to rig the Co-Pres Election

So, you’ve gotten back from your tour of Harvard and decided you want to be Co-Pres after all. It’s a little late in the game, but no worries. You figure you can follow in our last couple presidents’ footsteps and use a little creativity to scrounge up some extra votes. Well, you’ve come to the right place. Now that Russia is preoccupied, the Eighth Page is officially the second best in the field of election tampering. We’ll start simple: First, send a forged email to the study body. This email will state that every candidate pair should be very proud of their efforts and that campaigning is no easy task. However, it will also make clear that each candidate pair but yours has dropped out of the race due to leaked photos with Epstein. This will be believable—it seems like everyone has a picture with that guy these days. Plus, we just learned Photoshop. The next step is to get votes, and this is where our one-and-a-half terms of computer science comes into play. As self-declared masters of code, we will create a program so that whenever someone uses the PASTUDENT WiFi for anything, an email, a text, or homework, you will receive a vote. The software will refresh every ten minutes. Our analysts have predicted you winning the election by nearly 700,000 votes. Expect the count to go late into the night—it’ll be as if the votes are coming out of nowhere. For the cherry on top, we’ll lock your opponents’ PANet accounts and send their parents an email detailing an unprecedented Level 3 GAP. Boom. Now you’re Co-President. You’re welcome. All we want in return is a promise that we will be pardoned for any “insensitive” content in the Eighth Page.