The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: First Draft of That Email from the Deans

Hello Students,
I’m a little worried. Do you think that the “Boston Globe” headlining “Phillips Academy, More Like Phillips Alcohol-ademy” would be a good look? No. It wouldn’t be. But it’s starting to seem like a likely possibility.
We care about you…maybe just as much as we care about our Niche ranking. But at this point, we might as well give up being number one in anything besides becoming the fastest growing Alcoholics Anonymous group in the country. On behalf of all the deans, we are begging that you find other hobbies besides raging alcoholism –– even the occasional coke sesh in the Morse bathrooms would be better for productivity. As you know, YOU DON’T NEED TO USE SUBSTANCES TO HAVE FUN. We are sure there are lots of ways to have sober fun. Plus, alcohol overdose can lead to permanent brain damage or death. Please read this overview from my Uncle Joey on how to identify when you’ve become a complete and total failure.
Anyways, we WILL find the culprit of who is selling students alcohol. The administration was working with the Andover Police, but as a Criminal Minds enthusiast, we can tell they are knee deep in the local drug ring so we had to take matters into our own hands. We have posted the deans in every CVS and Stop&Shop parking lot within a five mile radius on the lookout for high school burnouts handing freshman watered down Titos. Read this article: “” which outlines a clear path to a sober, core blue lifestyle. Be safe this weekend, and don’t forget about your meeting with Dr. Patel to discuss your substance abuse! Get your act together, Andover.
The Deans