The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Email Leaked after Overeager Fan Gets Carried Away at Exeter

To the parents of [REDACTED] (copy to house counselors)

We hope this email finds you well. In the early hours of the morning, our custodial crew found your son, [REDACTED], passed out in the corner of the rink. We have reason to believe he had been in that state since the hockey game ended 12 hours prior. He was covered in blue paint and held a sign that said, “Mark Zuckerberg is a lizard.” When he was first approached, he bolted up and started banging on the glass as if Andover had just scored. Either your son is a very confused young man –– pretty possible considering Andover’s EBI curriculum –– or there were substances involved. Here’s a hint: drugs and alcohol. Our janitors were very surprised to find him; we knew our rivals to the south were unruly, but we didn’t know to this extent.

We know your school’s disciplinary system has recently become a joke, but please don’t expect any laughs from us. Your degenerate son’s mishap is quite a serious matter. Since he was caught under the influence on our campus, we have decided to punish him ourselves. Today, he will re-organize all the books in our library, get a 1590 on the SAT, and write a manifesto on why a real-life dinosaur is cooler than an American art museum. Then, he will solve a rubik’s cube and try to thwart the hoards of Exeter girls who will inevitably swarm him for accomplishing this feat –– a true test of self-control, something your son seems to lack. 

We hope this is an isolated incident, but as we have heard through the grapevine, your school is suffering from “too many cases of acute intoxication.” Through the same grapevine, we’ve also heard that “one case is too many, given the risks.” Let’s hope this incident is the only one for your son. 

Go big red,

Exeter’s Health and Wellness Center