The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: The Diary of the Obsessed

Dear Diary,

I am in love with this boy (not going to put his name because I’m pretty sure my roommate reads this). My parents tell me I am too young, and that this is just a teenage delusion, but they are wrong. It all started one fateful Tuesday. He had just moved down to my Chemistry 250 class, and it must have really been chemical, because I now believe in love at first sight. Naturally, I found his mom’s Facebook, and it was a real treasure trove, especially his fifth-grade graduation photos and father-son fishing trip. Even better was Zillow –– his three bedroom home on the North Shore seems like the perfect place to start our family. Anyways, with some further digging, I found that in addition to being the Co-President of the Crypto Club (dreamy, I know) he is also an avid JV hockey player who has been kicked out of multiple games for fighting. I just know he will defend me no matter what.

Later that day, I was thrilled when I realized he was in my EBI class, I knew we could really connect on a deeper level than seductive eye contact across the sterile Gelb classroom, and I was not disappointed. In our small group discussion about dismantling systems of oppression, he was so vulnerable to share that he doesn’t support women’s suffrage. Some may think this is a red flag, but I think it’s the most patriotic thing I have ever heard. America needs more real men. For some reason, when I said that I would stay in the kitchen for him, he looked at me funny. At lunch, I realized The Phillipian Valentine’s day notes were a perfect, subtle way to confess my love. I made sure to keep it under 5,000 characters but used a lot of big words so that he knows I respect how much of an intellect he is. I know he will love it but I will fill you in soon!!