The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Workshop Proposal for MiLK Day

When I first heard that Andover was looking for workshop ideas for Milk day, it felt as though God had heard my cries. I know my proposal may seem strenuous and perhaps a bit far-fetched, but in a generation of non-believers, the opportunity to visit Santa’s workshop in the North Pole seems too good to be true. Santa is a big fan of milk, so this fits the theme perfectly! Students are so often blinded by materialism and consumerism that they forget the hard work that Santa’s elves put in each Christmas time to make their Dyson Air Wraps and G-Wagons. A trip to his workshop will be a fundamentally grounding and eye-opening experience of the labor industry—the Christmas behind the scenes.
While I know getting to the North Pole may seem daunting, it is actually quite simple because Buddy blazed the way for us in the movie “Elf.” Buddy was such a revolutionary. The hardest bits will be marching through the Candy Cane forest and the Sea of Swirly-Twirly Gumdrops. Once we get to the workshop, the elf union will give speeches about labor rights and working conditions. The main elf will give his speech about pursuing his own dream instead of fulfilling children’s material dreams. If my proposal were to get approved, I, of course, would reach out to the Papa Elf and make all of the arrangements for a day to make sure students get the optimal Santa experience.
The chance to go to Santa’s workshop is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I would hate to see it wasted over a trip to the Burlington mall Build-a-Bear workshop, or worse—an identity show.