The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: True Patriot Gives Opinions On World Cup

Okay, I’ve been hearing a lot about this “World Cup” going on, and it’s starting to really annoy me. I mean, why does anyone care what happens anymore? America lost. But we stay winning. #BACK2BACKWORLDWARCHAMPS. And Kwatar? Isn’t that the one the Taliban controls? And another thing I can’t stand is how people have the nerve to call it “football.” I heard that in a bar, and I almost up and left with my triple-bacon cheeseburger, Marlboro Reds, and AR-15. The absolute nerve of these people, trying to pawn off soccer as “football.” I think it’s a big conspiracy, all because some redcoats got mad at us for throwing some tea in the water. They just want to get us back. They’re still furious about blowing a 13-colony lead. And these soccer commentators are blatantly anti-America. Just yesterday, I heard one of them say the field was 105 meters long, instead of 114.829 yards. And also WHAT THE [expletive] IS A KILOMETER?! Unacceptable. These other countries could never beat us in real football, so they go and invent their own version. And there’s not even any tackling! How do the players get head injuries? It’s just so sad how people can’t accept America’s greatness. The English and the French are so snobby, like, can I get a “thank you”? I heard we literally saved you from that guy Kanye loves. I guess they’re just jealous because we get a whole Super Bowl, and those clowns are trying to win a cup.