The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Winner of Economics Competition Gives His Take on Inflation

Inflation. It’s real, and it’s happening now. If you’re like me, you want some answers. Like why is everything inflating? Who is inflating it? Well, fear not, dear readers. In the true spirit of the intelligent youth from the third fourth-best high school in America (you should see my crypto), I’m about to share my highly-informed opinion on the American economy.

I hear a lot about this “currency inflation” in the news. But here’s the thing: I don’t see why we can’t just keep using helium. That one seems like a no-brainer. Also, why is everyone so worried about things inflating? People keep criticizing inflation, but they forget all the amazing things it’s brought us, like balloons, bouncy castles, and whoopee cushions (which are all a lot more expensive now, for some reason). And if you’re still not convinced, think about a world where blimps and hot air balloons are outlawed. Think about what would happen to pool float companies, party stores, or that guy in the park who makes animals from balloons. That’s the government shutting down businesses it doesn’t like, which is basically a dictatorship. Which would suck for other reasons, not just because your inflatable life-sized anime doll would go limp. And these people who speak out against inflation claim to care about the economy, even while they strangle the balloon industry! This is not good at all. In fact, in the aftermath of the 2008 financial crisis, experts have speculated that the global balloon market kept our nation’s economy from going under.

In conclusion, I don’t understand this anti-inflation sentiment in our country––hopefully, with this article, I’ve deflated it! Either way, maybe I’ve convinced some of you to see the many benefits of inflation. Wonder what you can do to help? Well, obviously, government spending is key. I was a little worried by the Inflation Reduction Act, but thankfully, President Biden has just signed a $1.7 trillion relief bill to support all balloon vendors indefinitely, with annual salaries and student loan debt relief. I’ve also just been notified about someone called The Fed raising interest rates. Now, not only will balloon vendors receive $10,000 for their balloon-studies degrees and a $100,000 in annual welfare, they will also receive more interest from the public! Victory for all balloon lovers, everywhere. Long live inflation!