The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Valid Concerns from a Parent of New Admit in Class of 2026

Dear House Counselor,

It’s Karen TuMuche. You probably recognize the name—it’s on a donor recognition plaque at the squash courts. As you know, my son, John TuMuche IV, will be in your dorm, Rockwell, next fall, and his father and I must express our concerns.

We were very supportive of our Johnny and his decision to attend boarding school to learn some independence that young men need. However, in order for him to blossom into a fine man, your school needs some improvement. I ask that you repay our generosity by finally changing the ridiculous lack of dress code. How will my little pumpkin pie learn geometry if all the females in his class are parading their collarbones and ankles around like skanky trollops?

Is there any way I could have a 24/7 hotline to his personal supervisor that follows him around campus? Just so I know where my precious baby boy is at all times. He has Life360 on his phone, but I hear the kids these days can hack the location tracker.

Could you also connect me with the Director of Athletics? Johnny is a budding lacrosse star and your varsity team really needs his talent. Did you know his dad benched for Yale University (the next prestigious school our little star is headed off to). In fact, he shouldn’t try out because he might embarrass the other kids. Sure, he can’t run with the ball yet, but there’s nothing special supplements and a generous check can’t fix. We’re expecting his XS varsity jacket to come in the mail before he arrives on campus.

I’ll be driving up from our third home in Weston, Connecticut, every weekend to hand deliver his nutritional supplements. He doesn’t take well to swallowing pills, so could you be a dear and hide them in his food, even if it is that nasty Commons slop? He’s especially partial to peanut butter.

Karen TuMuche ’69 P ’26