The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: George Bushy Endorses Nicky Essaid and Evalyn Lee for Co-Pres

I, George W. Bush ’63, am more than excited to endorse Nicky Essaid and Evalyn Lee as the next Co-Presidents of Andover. As a proud alum, Andover has shaped so much of my adult life. Andover taught me the importance of school spirit (can translate to patriotism), cheating to get by, and that having a dad who’s done it before makes the silver spoon taste even better! 

The aspect of their platform that really drives my endorsement of this wonderful candidate pair is their outstanding and morally commendable abstinence pledge for room visits. I worked so hard to ban abortions, so I’m so proud that young people these days are taking charge and avoiding that route all-together! During my time at Andover, I wish I had signed an abstinence pledge. I had a little too much fun, and it hurt daddy’s credit card to fund all those feticides. My sperm, my choice.

Also, it fills me with pride that Evalyn and Nicky aspire for higher academic pursuits at the best university in America, or the globe…YALE. I can also be called George W. Bush ’68, for Yale Class of 1968. Or George W. Bush ’75, for Harvard Business Class of 1975. You get the gist. At Yale, I was president of Delta Kappa Epsilon and member of the Skull and Bones Society. My grades were pretty bad and I drank liquor like water, but I still got by. I was very popular for all the right reasons, clearly. My years as a student truly reflect my presidency. 

I am also impressed by their initiative in recommending bug spray, gas masks, water filters, and squirrel traps, because not only will this prepare you for the Pine Knoll, but also war! (I LOVE WAR). 

*I, George W. Bush, have some questions and comments for you, Evalyn and Nicky. Who is Pop Smoke? Is that some type of new vape? Please retract the “Equity and Inclusion” section, it sounds too commie. Daddy hated communists, so I do too. I’m also glad to see that you are finding alternate methods to save the environment other than divesting from fossil fuels. Me and the fossil fuel buddies are tight. But what is a butt plug? Could you please send me an email on that topic in careful detail? I will also ask my secretary for a briefing.