The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Stuck in Florida

“Oh No! I’m Stuck in Palm Beach!!! :((((“ Incredibly Puchable Student Speaks Out About the Toils of Remote Learning

It’s been two days since I tested positive for Covid-19 and it’s definitely my dog walker’s fault for exposing me. Not like I hooked up with him last week or anything. Now I’m forced to stay home in dreadful Palm Beach instead of returning to campus. It’s just been awful for me, completely horrid.


The first struggle is the level of noise in my work environment. How am I supposed to pay attention in class when the sound of the ocean outside my window is so loud? The rhythm of the crashing waves on the golden sand of my backyard is so distracting from my econ class. Everytime I unmute to make a point about the benefits of the trickle down theory, I’m drowned out by the hum of my estates’ landscapers mowing the lawn. Such a pain. 


Also, it’s not my fault I haven’t turned in a single homework assignment. Whenever I’m home, my step-dad forces me to go to my Tuesday and Thursday golf lessons that stretch all day long. Even the consolation spiked iced teas at the club can’t make my pout go away. Poetry is my passion, but everyone insists golf and drinking will be much more important. And being under constant surveillance I can’t break away to finish even one assignment.


I also think this whole situation just shows how unempathetic some of the teachers at Andover are. My chemistry teacher once told me that attending class from my private beach seemed “out of touch” and “unfocused,” once again, it’s really not my fault! I have been seriously exposed to onicorn, omnivor, chloroform, panopticon, Covid lite, or is it omicron? Whichever. My concierge doctor told me fresh air is crucial for my recovery. 


Trust me, I would much rather spend my time quarantined in a windowless dorm, then be attacked by natural light in my classes. Mommy said I can’t get traplights because of the crown molding. My wifi sucks because my house is just too big! I also rather eat out of green boxes instead of Nobu take-out. I guess the grass really is greener on the other side, even compared to our perfectly manicured lawn.