The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Letter to Santa

Dear Santa, 

There is only one wish I have for Christmas: love. I’ve been a good girl all year! I brushed my teeth, said my prayers (in the form of listening to Donda), and wore my mask over my nose! There is no way I’m on the naughty list again this year… I finally deleted the Episode app off my phone! I’ve had the biggest crush on this girl Cinnamon. She’s perfect for me. We have so much in common. For one, we go to the same school, and um… well, we are both the same age… I haven’t had a real conversation with her, but she always politely tells me to stop staring at her.  Also I love her contagious smile, or the smile I imagine behind her mask…I haven’t seen her full face either. Santa, I need you to please do me a huge favor and for Christmas give me a chance with Cinnamon. 

Let’s be real here, everyone knows your reputation. I know what you have done for other girls like me. I know why the captain of Andover Swimming ended up with the girl of his dreams seemingly out of the blue after Christmas. Don’t tell me you had nothing to do with my anti-social house counselor getting engaged randomly on Christmas night. All I am saying is if you could get those guys some action, you can easily set me up. I mean I am a total catch. Who wouldn’t want to date a JV Lax starter and second chair trombonist of the band? You don’t even understand how much this would mean to me, Mr. Claus. You should understand the desire for love, I mean why else do you hole up in the north pole all year with Mrs. Claus and leave her there to make yearly trips to have people sit on your lap? Thanks for doing this for me, and if it isn’t possible, please just get me the newest iPad. 


A Girl Down Bad.


P.S. The cookies I left for you have a special ingredient. 🙂