The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Fake News is Bad, But Please Keep Promoting Exeter Zuckky… Pweaseee

For so long our wonderful institution has been solidified as the best institution in the whole country by the most accredited, unbiased Prep School Rating website ever: Niche. The ultra-specific categories, the random schools that paid their way into an ad that could maybe look like they are highly ranked, and ruling over all of that: Exeter. We could thank our favourite, “human” alumni ever, Mark Zuckerberg, for using his platform Facebook to really make sure the whole world knew of Exeter’s superiority. How do you think your great aunt found that one article about the Harkness table? (We started that btw, not our only accomplishment, but def top two). It’s nothing like our bitter blue rivals who have to worry about having fun. Now that Zucky has been unfortunately forced to stop pushing the real (unreported) truth on the general public, Exeter has dropped all the way to #6 on Niche. No more gloating in the Phillips Academy comment section, no more scrolling through the rankings when you only get a 99 percent on your Organic Chemistry class as a freshman. How is that fair? Exeter did something great by producing a tech genius who knows how to control our minds, why can’t we use that to our advantage? If Marky isn’t able to slip in some good comment about Exeter when you search up Phillips on Twitter, he should at least donate a building. Everyone knows that Niche is all that matters when it comes to how good a school is, and it is not okay being below Andover again! Exeter is definitely a top. I propose we allow Zuck-Daddy one topic he can control the opinion on, and he will definitely choose to show how totally amazing Exeter is!