The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Brief Biographies: Exeter’s Favorite Alumni (please donate)

This week the Exonian, looked into some of Exeter’s most famous and prized graduates. The bravery of Patrick Bateman, the sexual life of Mark Zuckerberg, and the talented politician, Andrew Yang. 


Patrick Bateman was the quintessential Exeter graduate. Straight out of school to working as a bank analyst and making his family proud. The job was stressful and Patrick learned a lot, but the most important thing he learned was how to take care of yourself. He began using different and very modern ways of destressing. Some of those ways have allegedly been called “troubling,” but I think a lot of people don’t get the point of his life. It must take such valour to decide to take a new and slightly frowned path of life. 

Mark Zuckerberg also serves as a great role model for Exeter students. A billionaire, who exploits the privacy of others, hides out in his room, and is not confirmed to be from this planet! He got your mom addicted to Candy Crush AND Qanon!!! No one better represents the matrix looking Exeter campus than their favorite, nearly incarcerated Alum! Although it is reported that many Exeter students are jealous he got into Harvard and they have no chance, just ask him for another internship. I’m sure it will work this time. 

The final Exeter graduate to feature is William Coors. The grandson of the great Adolph Coors, the man who introduced the world to the greatest beer of all time, Coors Light. There is nothing like enjoying an ice-cold Coors Light while you watch your favourite NFL team lose. Or the thrill of stealing a couple of your dad’s beers, starting your lifelong battle with alcohol. William Coors has brought Exeter so much pride by nearly running his grandfather’s company into the ground. 

Andrew Yang. A native New Yorker who has actually never been there originated as an Exeter student. Little known fact: his famous Math slogan was merely stating what he did on Friday and Saturday nights as a high schooler. Used to losing to Andover, his unsuccessful run for president didn’t hurt Andrew too much. Like a classic Exeter student, Andrew Yang famously evacuated NYC in the face of the pandemic prior to running for president. Glad he learned his cowardice from Niche’s number 1 high school… for soft spines.