The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Dear Eighth Page

Dear Eighth Page,
How do I keep my boyfriend satisfied now that it’s too cold to go to the sanctuary? (to have picnics of course…)
Horny Hottie in Need

Hey Horny Hottie in Need,
After the harrowing experience of not being able to hook up in the sanctuary because the cold and rain made the travel to second base arduous, you’ve tried to find a safe indoor space on campus. You are starting to think that maybe nature is deciding to punish you for your thottish activities. Other hot and horny couples refuse to disclose their hookup locations. Take the famed George Washington Hall. Unfortunately, the hundred thousand acapella groups are always practicing during your intended sexy time. Also, it turns out antsy day students waiting for their parents to pick them up buzz all over GW, making it a less than ideal spot. Also, kids actually practice piano in Graves! Maybe you’re into it, but we are not sure if Beethoven intended his Moonlight Sonata to be a four handed piece. Wink. Despite all the discussion on the new parietal rules, you still can’t bring your shawty into your twin xL sex palace because of the old cockblock Covid. So here at the Eighth Page, we offer you our best strategy for your crisis.

The best way to overcome the cold obstructing your hookup abilities would be to simply stop hooking up. Now before you rip the newspaper in the absurdity of this statement, ask yourself this: have you let your urges derail you from your academic and extracurricular commitments? Is your GPA lagging far behind your body count? Are you the one responsible for spreading the cold due to your tongue that can’t just stay in its own mouth? If you answered yes to any of these, it’s time to stop and reflect. Horny Hottie in Need, what you actually need is a priority adjustment. After all, you clearly didn’t come to the boarding school to have wild fun! You did #SayYesToAndover because you care about intellectual growth and global awareness. A winter of chastity is really what you need to correct yourself. You are a single suffering with playboy tendencies, and we truly believe the Eighth Page’s wisdom can fix you.

To ensure you dont have time to have any sexual relations, we suggest writing for the eighth page. Works like a charm.