Phillipian Satire: Socially-Distanced Den Dance

This upcoming Saturday, Andover will be holding its first den dance in over a year and a half. Expect music, lights, action, and, most importantly, awkward budding romances between freshman girls and Senior boys on the crew team. But do not let this deter you! As the kids say, this “bish bouta be hype!” But there are a variety of rules and regulations that we, and the Non Sibi Pledge, expect you to follow.

Do not kiss! No matter how bad you want it, we will not be offering 30-second make-outs sessions in the booths anymore. You will be required to keep that mask on—unless you play baseball, football, or lacrosse then the world is your oyster.
We will be enforcing a social distancing rule of six feet but in the end there “ain’t nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.” If you are by any chance a freshman/Lower boy who sees this dance as a chance to make a move on that girl you see, but don’t talk to, in your English class, I would recommend you leaving her on read 24 hours before the dance to really get her in the mood.
If you really love staying up to date with the newest musical releases, prepare to be a little less disappointed than usual! We will be taking all your suggestions, and it is our intention to play the best songs possible. We know you all love YBN Nahmir, so listening to Soul Train for two hours should get everyone excited for a fun term on campus.
If you are a part of the non-dance committee, a.k.a. those people who purely show up to den dances for drug deals and sneaky links I would like to officially point you in the direction of the sanctuary for this particular night. The deans will be there so females will be required to wear parkas and snowsuit, and everyone else may show up naked. This dance should be the best of the year (we hope), so B.Y.O.B. and tell your friends.