The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: How To Talk To Your Quarantine Crush

Have you forgotten how to socialize with real-life people? Are you scared to face that girl you’ve been snapping since August but have never met in person? And are you secretly a catfish that looks nothing like the Stock photo images you have been sending her? Are you scared your imaginary boyfriend is losing interest? Well, then we have a solution for you! It’s only a four-step process! 

Step One: Schedule a time and place 

This can be stressful for anyone especially regarding the way you pose the initial request. You don’t want to come on too intense, but not too friendzone-y either. So we at the Eighth Page have written a template for you: “Greetings, __. Would you like to meet me at ___ near the __ so we can have __ ? If this day or time doesn’t work for you, suggest another or just send a photo of your ___. Thank you.” See? It’s as easy as pie.

Step Two: Dress cute but casual 

Assuming your request had a positive response, now you have to actually talk to them. We don’t want your future significant other (or friend but we’re sure it was mutual) to think you don’t have a pinterest board called “fitz,” but we definitely don’t want them to think you are trying too hard. We would recommend a cute but casual look that accentuates your assets. If you don’t have said assets, try again next year. 

Step Three: The Meet-up

Always get there first! Do not have them wait on you or you’ll trigger their separation anxiety. And be cool. Even if you have to fake it, be cool and calm. Maybe wave at a lamp post across the street, then say it was your cool Senior friend. Whatever you do, do NOT post a “Nights like these!!” or “Happy 15 minutes to my LOML BFFL” picture on your snapchat story. You don’t know how long this will last. 

Step Four: Follow Up! 

Though you may be the type to ghost post hang out, you always send a follow-up email, text, Twitter direct message, or passenger pigeon! Say you “Had a ___ time” and would “love to ___ again.” This is an optional step, but you obviously have no other choices or you wouldn’t still be reading this, so put in the work! (These steps also work for meeting up with that English teacher who makes you feel loved like your mother never could…)