Hello Tommy, Tommy’s advisor, coach, mom, dad, house counselor, fifth grade teacher, aunt, and the entire disciplinary counsel of the Flagstaff Cluster. Today, I am here to defend my innocent client, sorry, I mean this innocent student who ISN’T paying me. It pains me everyday to see these innocent children get framed for these heinous crimes. Reminds me of when I defended that honorable president, Donald Trump, in his blasphemous impeachment case. The prosecution is claiming that Tommy Levaine and his girlfriend of two months and three instagram posts, were outside Gelb, without masks, having a “passionate makeout session with some over-the clothes-touching.” The school also has security footage of the event that they said they would let me see later, although they were confused why I wanted to see it so badly. But I would like to make the case that Tommy has never kissed ANYONE! Look at the boy. He is lanky, pale, and obviously has never seen a razor or heard of CeraVe. And his “girlfriend” is a cover up. You may think to yourself, a cover up for what? They’re penguins in human suits! I said it. They have been trying to seem more human by infesting eachother’s Vscos and pretending to go on dates. Who knew they were just trying to learn how to tap dance! Just like the movie!! Therefore, my client is in fact only guilty of one offense, attempting to utilize the tap dancing opportunities at Andover. Thank you, but I must leave, I have to defend Rush Limbaugh in front of the Devil.