The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: How To Have a LIT Snow Day On Campus

Now that winter has fully set in, the dorms are colder than most students would like. And with more icy winter storms approaching, here are some Hints and Tricks in order to help keep warm on a snowy day!

The first hint is knowing what to burn. There’s nothing better than coming in from the cold to a small fire in your dorm room. Many “experts” will tell you that your fires should be fueled by wood, but they are nowhere near as resourceful as Andover students! We have found many great alternatives to firewood. First, your roommate’s dirty laundry. It’s been on the floor since the beginning of the term, so they probably won’t notice. Next, try some of your Andover-provided furniture! The chair might not be comfortable, but it sure burns quick. Finally, our highest rated fire starter is chemistry notes. Not only do they light well, but you’ll probably feel very warm inside seeing all those atomic structure worksheets go up in flames. 

My next recommendation would be to start making your own clothes. If you find yourself shorthanded on warm winter wear, there’s no better fix than hitting the sewing machines. Just yesterday, I ripped up the carpet in all the rooms on my hall and made some AMAZING overcoats. It was ugly anyway, so in my eyes, I’m doing the school a favor. 

Finally, it is always good to be prepared with some tips when your power goes out. In icy winter storms such as these, this is an all-too-common problem. One solution would be to generate your own power. As described in many cartoons, jumping on a bike or oversized hamster wheel will give you enough power to switch those lights back on. However, if resources are holding you back, then it may be time to turn to a more primitive option. Look no further than “The Benjamin Franklin Method.” This entails running outside with your largest kite in the hopes of attracting some stray bolts of lightning. The fatality rates are quite high, but sometimes you’ve just got to take on for the team. 

I hope that this article has given you some new insight on where to turn when the temperatures drop. Some options might not be the safest, but isn’t being comfy better than being safe?