The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Late Night Text From Your Ex

It’s Valentine’s Day, silly🤪. I can’t believe you didn’t text me😤. I mean, I know you filed that little restraining order against me six months ago lolz 😌, which is SUPES awkward, but you know I’m the only girl that can make you truly happy😉💯. You’re probably with stupid Courtney who, btw, I heard doesn’t even have a jar of your tears!! Has she ever even been in a real, committed relationship before? I miss you baby, can’t you see that I’m in pain😰? Do you remember our first date at Chuck E. Cheese when you gave me a dollar to leave you alone? That was the sweetest, most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me 💕💘💓. I used it to buy a Ring Pop 💍 and told everyone you proposed. I think about you every night before I go to sleep 😈 and I know you think about me too.😏 I heard you violently screaming my name in your sleep 😴 the other night, Bubba. And don’t be all dramatic 🎭 and stuff and tell the cops I’m stalking you again. I just like to watch 👀 your lungs expand and decline while you lie peacefully, dead asleep. Speaking of trespassing👣, can you please deactivate your electric💡fence at night, all those volts aren’t good for my hair 💇‍♀️growth. All I have to say 🗣 is that I want you 🐒, and I plan on making you my Valentine even if you have to be tied up🤠in my basement or that abandoned warehouse by the lake 🆘. I won’t let that stupid Courtney take you away from me, Bubbalicious👅. I promise👯‍♂️. I’ll love you till the day we die. ☠️