The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Andover Is Broken-er Than You Thought!

This week, Andover’s Own CMKDad published a rather revealing exposé to extremely credible site, College Confidential, about some of Andover’s dirty laundry. Mr. Dad disclosed information about bribes, murder, and the Board of Trustees! However, what “Andover is Broken” leaves out are a few vital aspects of Andover that quite unfortunately, are broken.

The most commonly experienced problem on the list is the abnormally high usage of Zoom breakout rooms. Teachers either think a three-problem worksheet takes 45 minutes, or don’t want to teach us. Students have come up with a unique solution to this problem: waiting out the room closing timer so your teacher thinks that you’re still having an engaged discussion. Others, however, have lost hope. Many experience a peer awkwardly trying to break the ice with a “So, anyone seen ‘Queen’s Gambit?’” followed by a gallery of expressionless faces and silenced microphones. Prospective parents beware, your children are being subjected to excruciatingly awkward breakout rooms every single day. 

Another one of the trash bags making up the garbage fire that is Andover is Dr. Kington’s distance. He descends on his “subjects” in a hat, gloves, a scarf, and a mask, like Darth Vader. What are you hiding under there, Dr. Kington? This dystopian image of a leader is described as a source of existential anguish for many. You’re walking from Covid-19 testing to pick up lunch at Commons, when a spectacled man in layers upon layers of winter attire graces you with his presence. You don’t recognize him, as those L.L. Bean ear muffs are very common. He waits for you to greet him, but you don’t. He looks at you one last time and walks away. Next thing you know, you’re kicked out for a violation of “academic integrity.” 

“Andover is Broken” may be a Flex Seal coating away from being unbroken, but I, CMKSon, will never forget this brokenness. Ever.