The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Day Student Protocol

This past week, Andover’s plan for a Covid-free campus took a nasty turn for the worse when two day students tested positive (Who would have expected that?). After receiving the news, Sykes officials began to reflect on the precautions being taken on campus to combat the virus. After deep thought and consideration, the administration has implemented a new testing protocol for day students. 

The new protocol means that students must arrive at least three hours before their first class to allow time for a thorough Covid-19 examination. In step one of the process, a full body cavity search is conducted in order to ensure that students are not smuggling in any extra food for boarders. During testing, all cavities are tested. Yes, we mean all cavities. Because of this, day students are prohibited from eating 24 hours before the search.

Next, students enter the new testing center where they are tied down to a table and blindfolded as inch thick nasal swabs are shoved through their nostrils. This practice is wildly ineffective for Covid prevention, as Sykes only has one swab that they use for every student, but when asked why this decision was made, Sykes nurses reported they liked to see the students suffer just a little.

The next step in the process is the interrogation center. Day students must present their driver’s license, Social Security number, and a living relative before being questioned about their whereabouts during the previous days. Pro tip: If you’re late for class, bribes are usually accepted for a speedy questioning. 

Finally, students enter the last but most dangerous checkpoint for entry to campus, the gladiator ring. Day students are sent out into the ring, where they fight a multitude of wild animals, including tigers, wolves, gorillas, and KG. This exercise shows a student’s mental and physical strength. Some say this stage is so important that the Administration might overlook a weekend trip to Florida and allow you on campus if you pass the gladiator ring. Some parents are upset with the new protocols, but overall, the community is happy that student safety is the number-one priority.