The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: The Pros and Cons of Cohort Two Returning to Campus


Last weekend, Cohort 2 returned to campus, and boy oh boy are there many reasons to return to Andover this fall. Almost too many to list—allow me to lead you Lowers and Uppers in the right direction! According to a study done by The Phillipian last year, the Lower and Upper classes have record numbers of loners in their grade. This is perfect for this year! I know so many Lowers and Uppers who have looked at The Weekender in past years and thought, “A Night at the Addison AND Chamber Choir in one weekend! That’s way too much fun!” Fear no more. This year you will never feel overwhelmed with weekend activities. You’ll spend most of the day in your desolate single, with only your thoughts and your crush on your physics teacher to keep you company. During “Fresh Air Fun!”, you are allowed to hang out with your pod, a school-selected group of your bestest friends. No more need for pesky, unwarranted social interactions. Second, if you are sick and tired of being cut from JV 2 soccer—I know this is a reality that is all too real for some of you—get ready for Covid-19-friendly sports! Besides all the fun new options, such as karate, nature walks, and “Star Wars” cosplay, other sports have been revamped as well. Who wants to play games against other schools when you can spend the whole term doing drills? Did someone say more laps? Sign me up! And hey! If 200 kids can do it, who’s to say 1,000 won’t mess up the system! 



Even though the arrival of our dear friends and foes could be misconstrued as a fun, cool, and exciting thing, we have to acknowledge returning to campus is probably the worst decision your family has made since you were conceived. Cohort 2 arrived on campus dripping with Covid-19, but even worse it meant the arrival of Lowers. Yes, Lowers. The students who think they know everything about Andover after spending just two terms on campus. Walking around, directing freshmen, like they didn’t just realize that the Addison wasn’t a TikTok hall of fame. While Cohort 2 might be a small group, it is record-breaking in terms of danger, and bringing them back is like dropping a couple of hungry sharks into a tank full of tasty humans. Don’t get me wrong, seeing everyone in person is super fun—but the minute one of you starts coughing and saying the Commons meatloaf doesn’t taste that bad, it’s game over for all of us.