The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Your House Counselors As Actual “Real Housewives”—introducing…

D. Owyang/The Phillipian

Kim Davison, Stevens

“I may be an actress–fine, a theater teacher–but that doesn’t mean I’ll stick to your script.”

Special talents: Never responding to your texts for car permission.

Jay Moore, Foxcroft

“I’m not a stickler, but I do play one for the deans. And for real. Door at 90, please.”

Special talents: Refusing to be called “Mr. Moore”.

Yolanda Sprout, Smith

“Planes and yachts are nice, but my happiness starts at home, ruining the happiness of the girls I live with.”

Special talents: Having cats that bite you when you go into their apartment.

Cara Bailey, Rockwell

“I may be married to an English teacher, but I don’t know how to read that well.”

Special talents: Really, really hurtful backhanded compliments.

Paul Johnson, Bishop

“In a dorm full of phonies, I am not afraid to be me.”

Special talents: Falling asleep in the common room, not wanting to say the word “sex” during parietal talks.