The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Rebellious Teen Has Religious Awakening, Refuses to Observe Faith This Weekend

This past week, in preparation for the annual celebration of the Earth, the Andover Tree Worshipping society recruited yet another member. Sara O’Brien-Rabinowitz ’20 found her life changing awakening just in time for one of the holiest weeks of year for Abrahamic religions. “The trees have spoken and beckon me to join them,” the ecstatic but ultimately confused teen stated. While O’Brien-Rabinowitz was obviously excited to begin her journey in faithful worship of the tree gods, her parents most definitely were not. O’Brien-Rabinowitz claims they made repeated attempts to have her renounce ‘the Green’ and pleaded for her to come home and just celebrate the [insert noncommittal name of religious holiday here]. However, her parents underestimated the hold that [unspecified evil figure] had on their daughter. As O’Brien-Rabinowitz puts it, when her mother arrived to bring her home for the weekend against her will, there was only one available plan of action: “I had to sacrifice one of our own. It hurt, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being forced to read the [bound book] and pray to [deity]. I simply chopped a tree in front of the road so we couldn’t leave.” Unfortunately, the plan was flawed— they simply drove around the tree. Despite all of her valiant efforts, O’Brien-Rabinowitz was taken home. She was able to retain some of her dignity, however, and refused to go to [building where they keep the book] all weekend. Here’s to free and independent women in worship