The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Exclusive Interview with Incoming Head of School

Interviewer: John Palfrey’s resignation shocked the Andover commmunity last week. Naturally, we, the Eighth Page, campus’s most accurate, unbiased, and professional news source, thought it would be good to sit down with the new Head of School.

Interviewer: Please introduce yourself.

Elect: Ok, um, my name is Kimberly Kardashian West. I am from Calabasas, Calif., I love fashion, the summer, free margaritas, and my two children.

Interviewer: Don’t you have three children?

Kim: Right. Three.

Interviewer: Anyway. The search commitee unanimously voted for you. Why do you think that was so?

Kimmy: I am very involved in education. In high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Lie About My Ethnicity”, but everyone knows I am a proud Almerian.

Interviewer: Do you mean “Armenian”?

Kimmy K Dubs: Yeah! That one! Anyways, while I did not attend college, in the time since then I’ve learned a lot, like which Chihuahua sweater looks best with a bedazzled Motorola Razr flip phone.

Interviewer: Okay, what are some words you live by?

Mrs. West: The first thing that comes to mind is from my 2011 single, “Jam (Turn It Up)”. It reads, “Rosé up in the air / feeling good, feeling great, just got paid.” When times get tough, it reminds me that work ethic is what gets you far in life, and also that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.