The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: How to Get a Date

The Eighth Page is swimming in significant others, having to turn them down constantly, and would obviously never have to pay someone to pretend to be their girlfriend when they go home to impress friends and reassure family. To help out the rest of you not-so-talented dweebs, we’re publishing our secrets. The Eighth Page presents: How to Get a Date

1. First, select your target.

2. Go to the next Big Blue Baseball™ meeting and recruit any Legend willing to show off their arm strength. This step should be quite easy.

3. Go to CVS and buy a carton of 12 eggs.

4. Bring the eggs to Commons and wait inconspicuously in the lobby for your date to pass. Inconspicuous hiding spots include: putting a lampshade on your head and just standing there, or wearing all brown and lying on the carpet as if you were also purchased at Aldiís Discount Rug Emporium Very Good Price.

5. Once your date passes, go into the bathroom and change into your pre-purchased chicken costume. You may not skip this step as the chicken is a symbol of dominance.

6. Sit at the table next to your date, but make sure they donít notice you.

7. Note: filling a plate with granola and pecking at it like a chicken may convince people you are actually a chicken.

8. Your Big Blue Baseball Mercenary will then enter Lower Right and start throwing eggs at your date, whipping them with undoubtedly consistent and ruthless accuracy.

9. In a heroic feat, sacrifice yourself and dive in front of your date.

10. Stand up, lick the splattered yolk off your face, smile, and say, ìWouldnít it be ëegg-celentí if we could go on a date sometime?î

11.  Date-town, USA. Population: You