The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Illegal Parietal Alternatives

Neither the Eighth Page nor its subsidiary, The Phillipian, support or condone the use of Illegal Parietals. Here are our suggestions:

The Library Renovation (though watch out for falling debris and/or patrolling construction workers)

A Facetime date. Skip a step of prep and go commando! (just don’t stand up)

The void where you’ll spend the rest of your life anyway, cold and alone. So, so alone.

Anywhere outside the range of the military-grade binoculars your friends have.

The gas station that sells sushi (the Eighth Page supports small business owners)

Home, but Mom says all the doors have to stay open so she can keep an eye on you.