The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Classifieds For The Lovelorn: Paul Franklin Holt Bitler

Andover can be a lonely place, and it’s not always easy to meet new people. So every week, we highlight one real, actual student who is on this campus and looking for love (serious relationships only — we don’t advertise hook-ups). If interested in putting your name here, email

Paul Franklin Holt Bitler ’21

Looking for someone who is kind, loving, and NOT from New York City. Preferably they like dogs and are NOT from New York City and it’d be lovely if they lived ANYWHERE EXCEPT New York City.


Cool Facts About me!

  • Best Dad Bod on campus
  • Smile warms the heart of even the coldest soul
  • A great hugger.
  • Has cool hats
  • Smells like the essence of laying down to sleep after an especially long day
  • Has been known to ball, but only on Tuesdays from 6:15-8:00


  • Doesn’t appreciate memes; Toe stuff; Weak-willed


  • Terrace of Burtt, preferably with the Peanut Butter Jelly Song playing in the background.
Feb 8, 2019