The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Campus Conspiracy Theorist Whips Up Theory On Missing Trees

This past week, failed conspiracy theorist Kevward Foolingsworth ’20, or Kev, as he is affectionately called by no one at all, took his daily walk through the sanctuary as he does every afternoon between the hours of 3 o’ clock and right before Nordic starts. “It’s really a quite simple routine. I know the exact width of each tree, and when I walk around to hug each one, I can almost immediately tell if one is missing.”

Kev compares his co-dependent relationship with these trees to that of close companionship. “By substituting all human contact for tree time, the bond we have slowly formed is unbreakable.” While conducting his routine tree count, though, this week Kev was hit with a gut-punch of an observation: exactly thirteen trees were missing. Like a chicken when it meets its end, Kev experienced involuntary explosive diarrhea as a result of his sudden and extreme distress. However, Kev collected himself enough to both go back to Stuart House to change pants and also launch a full investigation.

Even though progress was seriously hindered by his reluctance to launch a flyer campaign, he eventually came to a conclusion: “You see it’s more complicated than just one answer, because you never know what exactly you don’t know. I’m feeling very ambivalent about sharing.. are you sure this interview won’t go anywhere?… ok. I believe that there’s a leprechaun. Yes, yes, it sounds too obvious, but it’s out there and hurting innocent trees.” With tear-filled eyes, Kev said, “It’s really a shame we live in a world infiltrated by these natural forces, things that with ruthlessly strip the companions you love from your life.” Kev cut off the interview at this point, but left us with a final plea: “Please, for the love of God, help me track down these [omitted]. These trees are all I have.”