The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Ryder Applewick ’21 Stumbles upon Campus Get-Rich-Quick Scheme

BlueBucks-poor new Lower Ryder “Rock-Licker” Axby ’21 was desperate, and for good reason. The Tri-Junior Varsity champ needed to get together $3,187.63 within a week, or else all the funding for his Robotics club would be cut. Oh, wherever will I find $3,187.63? Just then, Ryder spotted a sign in the Paresky Commons mirror that solved all of his problems: “In need of 1 Pound Marble. $3,187.63.” Ryder was ecstatic! Then positively crestfallen. Oh, brother. Wherever will I find a whole pound of marble? At that exact moment, Ryder, deep in thought, tripped up the Commons staircase and his face landed haltingly close to the majestic, cream white of the historic flight. His tongue dangled teasingly over its speckled surface, but he regained control of himself. No! He hissed to himself. He realized—this is the marble! But how would he harvest it, a whole pound, by next Tuesday? He thought it was the end, and he could just kiss that robotics medal goodbye. That is, until, later that night, when Ryder found himself watching “Shawshank Redemption” with his buddies in Stuart House, that he had his third epiphany of the day. At approximately three H.P.F (Hours Past Final), Ryder traveled to Commons under the cover of darkness and his World of Warcraft gameplay cloak carrying only a spoon and a couple of trash bags. He spent his whole night (six H.P.F) chipping away at the steps, but very slightly so that no one would notice. By morning, he had filled almost three bags with marble dust and chips, but hey, who’s fault is it for falsely advertising? Per the nonexistent instructions on the ad, Ryder dropped the bags off in the napkin holders and went on his way. At 3 that afternoon, Ryder grabbed the AAA Real-Estate Holding Bonds (certified post-2008) from an undisclosed pick-up location and filled out his submission form for the tournament, joyous as could be.

Feb 1, 2019