The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: How to Get Ready for the Machine Uprising

KATIE WIMMER, ANDOVER MASS. It’s inevitable and it’s coming to a theatre near you. After concocting various elixirs, taking classes at Ivy Leagues and attending the notorious $10,000 two-week Artificial Intelligence summer program at Stanford University, Adrian Waxman ’21, an enthusiastic STEM-oriented student and part time “scientist,” successfully engineered his own, fully self-aware, robot friend — the first of its kind in more than one respect. Elon Musk was right. Here comes the worst thing since the Class of ’21’s discovery of The Den: the apocalypse. But worry no more! Here’s a guide to avoiding the inconvenient demise of humanity: 

Step 1: Circumvent any and all contact with what you think are “birds.” Birds do not exist. The government has been watching for years and this mighty fleet of flying robots will only aid the uprising.

Step 2: Prepare your handy-dandy survival pack. This should include valuable survival items such as: your very own copy of the Blue Book, a six-year supply of pasta with meat sauce, a machine disguise (a.k.a. tin foil), your best looking Russian passport (we see you Sergei), and one of those GVS sweatshirts.

Step 3: Drop out of Comp Sci-350, because the robots could use you to strengthen them (and because that class sounds hard and you don’t have much time left). This is not just another Black Mirror episode.

Step 4: Locate your most comfortable pillow, just because it’s the end of the world doesn’t mean you can’t get your beauty sleep.

Step 5: Put together a fire electronic playlist, preferably on Spotify Premium, and quickly relocate yourself and your survival items to the perfect hiding place. It should have good phone service, if you have Cricket Wireless or Metro PCS… then you might want to rethink a lot more things than just your hiding place. Another bonus would be to have a passionate Boy Scout troop in close range. You’ll need security too, and who’s better to protect you than a personally assembled clan of loyal and unguided followers?

Step 6: Single-handedly assemble clan of loyal and unguided followers.

Step 7: Concede to the machines. If you can’t beat them, join them! And I mean, really, you absolutely cannot beat them and since you have such good cell service, they’re probably going to find you in the next couple seconds. Sacrifice the followers that you probably found in Pine Knoll to the mechanical overlord. Play that EDM remix of “I Follow Rivers” just one more time. Pray in binary. 0111101 https:/{exit}.

Jan 18, 2019