The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: We Forced A Computer to Watch 400 Hours of ASM Footage on MediaSpace, and then Asked It to Write Its Own. Here’s What It Came Up With:

ASM has obviously started. This is clear to everyone    except the 40 Uppers sitting on the balcony. Six of them are doing the cinnamon challenge on Instagram Live. Mr. Mundra looks deeply unhappy. He stares into the voids of their pupils. They do not respond.

Mr. Palfrey: Hello! *insert placeholder seasonal, relatable anecdote, followed by a profound observation and useful advice*. I hope you are all as excited as I am to welcome Ms. Elliott, who will welcome the pair, who will present the pair, who will introduce our speaker, to the stage.

One of the cinnamon-challenge-Uppers, who is wearing tour merchandise from a popular/deceased hip-hop artist, has now thrown up. The live stream has 26 viewers, 14 of whom are also watching in real life. This is not his first rodeo. But it will be his last.

Ms. Elliott: F. K. P. G. L. F. G. K. – also known affectionately as FFKKGGPL. Both acronyms have the same meaning: friendship, kindness, patience, goal-setting, love, family, gratitude, and knowledge. This is the little recipe for success that my son came up with in kindergarten the other day — and something I would encourage you to keep in mind as you listen to the pair who will introduce the pair, who will introduce the pair who will introduce our speaker.

The microphone makes a loud screeching noise and the screen, which had previously been displaying festive    campus images, glitches before turning off completely. The guy in charge of tech is taking the cinnamon-challenge-Astroworld-Upper, who threw up, to Sykes. 

Pair 1: (inaudible over blaring microphone sounds and random cheering)

Pair 2: Harvard, Yale, Stanford. Lawyer, Monk, Philanthropist, Synergy. We found that word on What does it mean? Who knows. That’s not the point.  People. It’s all about people.

Eagerly Awaited Speaker, Whose Presence Cost the School a Year’s Tuition: Wow! Thank you for that introduction! Excellent turn out today! I cannot wait to impart the secret of success upon this glorious institution, and here it is –

It is 11:42 a.m. Everyone has put their jackets back on. The whole school is looking anxiously at Mr. Palfrey.

Mr. Palfrey: – very insightful, thank you! The conversation will continue in the Mural Room right after this.

Later, the speaker will divulge his secret to the 12 students who actually have seventh free. Each will go on to reach enlightenment. Cinnamon-boy will transfer to Hotchkiss to avoid dismissal at the end of his Upper Year.