The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: 3 Stages of Winter Term

The “How Was Your Break?” Stage:

Occurs between the day you get back from holiday break and Monday of the second full week, this stage is the best you’ll feel this term. James Charles on the eyes, AirPods in the ears, all tied up in a Canada Goose bow. You treat the first days back at school like a fashion show of all the same expensive clothes that everyone else got for Christmas, too. You know you’re at this stage when you’re asking, “How was your break?” to everyone you see on the paths… even that girl who cut you in the stir-fry line Freshman Spring. Thanks a lot Rebecca — I hope your New Years’ Eve was JuSt SwElL.

The Post-Midterm Implosion Stage:

Yup. We did have two weeks of the winter term before holiday break, and the pity 2 that you got on your English paper has come back to haunt you. You have printed more pieces of paper than gotten hours of sleep, and that walk from Commons to Sam Phil at 8:07 a.m. “just really isn’t doing it for me anymore.” Sure, your parents are pissed that you can add up your midterm grades on one hand and that your tests grades are looking like the ten-day weather forecast. But as long as there’s free skate on The Weekender, you don’t have to go to the JV2 squash match your “friend” asked you to come to.

The “I Would Gladly Drink Hydrogen Peroxide, But It’s Getting Warm Out” Stage:

You don’t know what day it is. You don’t care what day it is. Casino Night was fun, but you lost the raffle prize of having dinner with Mr. Palfrey to four Freshmen girls and that one boy who was excluded from the large boy friend group. Head of School Day was alright, but it just pushed the due date of two papers onto the same day as three tests. You may have been able to wear shorts today, but don’t worry, it will definitely be snowing tomorrow.

Jan 18, 2019