The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Our Resolutions for 2019

Daak Trostor

I need to lose some weight, so I’m going to drink the tears of my enemies, but cut them with water to avoid the calories.


Ethel Histel

I want to engage in at least one social outing without my mom.


Jeremy Jeremiah

In the new year, I will refuse to use plastic straws, because the turtles don’t deserve any straws. They can just inhale. Greedy.


Myrtle Tillers

All the shots I shoot this year will be non-alcoholic.


William Bakersfield

I can’t afford a third new pair, so I’m trying not to ruin my Yeezys from the splash when putting my Commons utensils in the bucket.