The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Health Center Overrun With Dysentery

The Lamont Health and Wellness Center has issued a state of emergency after over 120 students have fallen ill with dysentery. They have admitted a daily average of 15 to 20 new people over the past week. This outbreak bears a striking resemblance to one that occurred on a trail leading to Oregon in the early 1800s. As the health center is over capacity, day students have been escorted via covered wagon to a nearby hospital. The administration has advised that no one turns on any campus water until the problem is resolved, as the problem can be linked to our own dirty, dirty students leaving waste in the water supply. Students have had to resort to plastic water bottles in bulk, which seems to be no problem for son of Big Water tycoon Jason Aquafina, Kevin Aquafina ‘22, who stated, “I didn’t drink the PEA water before, and I am not gonna start now!” Some have been quick to point out that the town of Exeter has not been affected by the outbreak. This has led to speculation that Exeter students are just prone to gross diseases. A representative for the Academy commented, “We are a dirty people, condemned to live in our own filth as a result of some colossal and ancient edenic offense to humanity. This is merely the manifestation of our sins, and unfortunately the beginning of our cleansing.”  The first priority of the Academy as of now is to make sure no one else gets sick.