The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Lost in the Sanctuary for Three Days After Night on the Knoll… Here Are The Stragglers’ Takes

Name: Lyle Rademacher

Grade: Junior Dorm: Rockwell Relationship with Mother: Depends on the moon cycle

I wouldn’t trade my time in the trees for all the riches in the world! However, if you’d found me not ten minutes before my bewitching stay in the forest ended, I would have given you a completely different answer. Having stumbled around its dark and mysterious paths for four days and three nights, I had almost completely given up hope. I was chased into a small clearing by one of the Screamfest volunteers, presumably left to die, then spent the next 72 hours foraging and making shelter from pine cones and skinned rabbits. On the last day, as I was close to finally escaping, I passed an old elm tree near the middle of the woods. It called to me in an old man’s voice, and it pulled me into itself. I was guided by the voice until I appeared in a spacious cove in an exotic location. A man was next to me. His lips never moved, but his voice struck loud and clear inside my head. He is my spirit guide, he tells me. To prove his legitimacy, he grasped my wrist and showed me my path in life. My wedding, my prenup (my grandfather forced me to sign), and children’s births all flashed before my eyes. I saw myself die from a squirrel attack. I’m back in the cave now. I must go to Jonah and save the wood, save the forest animals, save Him, or else all of humanity will be lost. This he tells me: “Go! Go find him. It is your purpose.” Then I popped up at the gates of the Sanctuary and walked back to Rockwell. Overall, a fun couple of days! Am totally going to Night on the Knoll next year. Solid 10/10 eye-and soul-opening experience.

Name: Ash Cohan

Grade: 3+, Dorm: Morton, Relationship with Mother: Swiftly deteriorating

I have no idea how long it’s been: hours, days maybe? Time has no meaning out here. I remember it was night when I got scared off the paths during the harrowing “fright walk” and blacked out. Apparently, years of watching Man vs. Wild on the discovery channel did not pay off, because making a bow drill in the sanctuary was not as easy as Bear Grylls makes it seem. I’m so scared. I should have done as Grylls does, and worn the skin of a dead vertebrate to mask my weak scent. The only problem with that was all the animals I stumbled upon seemed to sound just like my father. I was losing vit-a-mins and fast; but there was no way I was eating that Nutrigrain bar in my pocket, I’d rather die.  Maybe… there wasn’t any Nutrigrain bar to begin with. I kept walking in circles thinking, man, I’m losing my mind out here. I never thought I would miss the warm embrace of my cement walls in the Knoll. The lights of civilization are just there behind the fence — within my grasp — but, alas, I am far too weak to make it to the gate of the sanctuary. I see my roommate in our window, oh how I miss her incessant talking to her hopelessly long-distance boyfriend at 7:00 a.m. Gracie, if you are reading this please, help me. I really need a phone charger! Xoxo ily!