The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Computer Generated Conversations of EBI

A clearly sleep-deprived EBI Senior with a well groomed Bieber Bowl stands in front of a class of thirteen Juniors. He is supposed be thinking about inclusion at Andover, but he is worrying that he has left his straightener on.

EBI Senior: Let us talk about inclusion.

Everyone in the class looks uncomfortable, except for Jane, who, once again, clearly intends to dominate the conversation. Jane, who grew up between New Canaan and the Upper East Side, thinks she’s a Brooklyn girl at heart.

Jane: Inclusion? Let us talk about the lack thereof. As someone who has never been discriminated against in her life, I know what you’re going through. Did I mention that I am a Brooklyn girl at heart? Gentrification is my passion.

EBI Senior, checking the script under the table: Thank you, Jane.

The EBI Senior sweats nervously. Is it hot in here or is it just him, or is it just the fire that he probably accidentally started in Taylor? It is just him.

EBI Senior, reading directly from script: Progressive as Andover might claim to be, we can always do more to alleviate the pain of oppressed groups. Joining minority affinity groups can be a comforting experience for many.

The whole class waits for Jonathan to say the thing.

Jonathan: Wait… Why can’t there be a group for white males? Isn’t that reverse racist?

Everybody except for Jonathan turns their head to the EBI Senior. Jonathan is staring at Jane’s shoulder. Aptly reading the vibe of the room, he decides against telling her that she is hindering the learning of her male classmates.

EBI Senior: Well, Degenerate Freshman Boy Looking For Attention, that’s just Rockwell, and the question is not ‘is that reverse racist?’, but ‘does reverse racism exist?’. Speaking candidly, even that is not the question. The question is, did I leave my straightener on? Is my personal essay a true depiction of my character? What is my true self? Do I even exist? Is this even real? Where’s the proof? Is God dead? Did we kill him? Who stole my phone charg-

The bell rings. The Juniors change into running shoes and begin their journeys at a moderate jog, leaving EBI Senior behind to cry on the floor of a Bulfinch classroom. The only question everyone wants answered, is ‘Why are you running?’