The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: The Week’s Top Headlines

“Nobody Believes in Me Anymore,” Says Local Ghost to Therapist

PKN Announces Secession Plans to an ASM Crowd Who Really Just Couldn’t Care Less

“We’re Going to Last All Four Years!” Says
Freshman Couple Celebrating Two-Week Anniversary

Son of Parents Caught Hooking Up in Chapel Basement Offered Two Years of Free Therapy

Student Attempts to Harness Power of The Mind to Overcome Flu, Dies of High-Grade Fever

Commons Plate Left in Morse Now Too Gross to Clean, Simply Must Be Thrown Away