The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Cluster Horoscopes


I wish I could make an accurate prediction of better lottery numbers for you all next year, but my vision is being blocked by trees. Hundreds of them. A whole sanctuary of trees socially isolating you from the rest of the school. Well, that’s the price you pay for oxygen-enriched air I guess.


A rising Palfrey in the horizon is setting you up perfectly for an empathetically balanced weekend. See the squirrel? Be the squirrel. But not too much! Balance the empathy — be kind of the squirrel. You hear what I’m saying? If I have to explain, you’ll never understand. Just think about that this Pasta Monday.


Knowledge without goodness may be dangerous and goodness without knowledge may be feeble, but to lack both makes you a total fool. This week, when you hear your dorm mate trying to argue that “the walk is worth it,” do not be a fool. Know that it is not and have the goodness in your heart to let your friends in Pine Knoll take the W for once.


Bancroft has positive messages written in chalk outside their entrance, Yukon is making his rounds, and freshmen are playing basketball outside of Bishop, but something isn’t quite right… Just remember, when the sun is out on the Great Lawn, we’re only moments away from a vistaclipse. Stay vigilant. Stay suspicious.


Feeling on edge, Flagstaff? If so, it’s the effects of the deans’ retrograde, which will last until the next DC meeting east of the belltower. Sit tight! On the bright side, you’ll be especially prone to “check-ins” and “casual” meetings in Upper Left, making the next week or so a perfect time to connect with faculty and improve the chances of your math teacher “forgetting” to issue you a cut.