The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Barn Raising Highlight of Social Calendar

ANDOVER, MASS.- After two terms of deliberation of what “good, clean, fun” activities students should occupy their weekends with, Student Activities (STACT) board members convened to share their ideas on Tuesday evening, only to sit in silence for 45 minutes. Sarah Lovina ’19 finally pitched in to save the day with her idea for the theme of the upcoming Weekenders: Amish culture. “Honestly, we were a little out of ideas,” said Mark Rosen ’18, long-time member of the STACT board. “We were all so grateful to Sarah for her excellent, refreshing idea. We plan to keep the theme running throughout the term, kicking it off with an epic barn raising this Saturday night.”

Sources from the private meeting comment that this idea was favoured over a proposed “thrilling” workshop in Microsoft 2014 and the outlawed idea of public D.C. screenings.The final vote of Barn Raising versus Microsoft 2014 came to a close tally of 13-2. Some members felt that the community would have preferred scrolling through all the fonts, and grasping the intricacies of Excel of the past Microsoft 2014, and have since resigned from the the Student Activities board.

News of Student Activities’ new theme caused rippled across campus. Some were delighted, others exasperated, but most were just plain confused.

“At first I thought it was a phishing email. I mean, it’s not the kind of thing I receive in my inbox everyday – ‘Get ready to raise the roof! Bring your own wood and join the party.’ Once I realized it was actually legit, I figured it was some kind of Non Sibi event, even though I didn’t remember signing up for an Amish Barn Raising on a Saturday evening. I guess I thought it was some kind of glitch,” explained Bob Murthy ’18. Once Student Activities clarified the legitimacy of the event to the student-body, however, they quickly started receiving positive feedback. “We expect it to be one of the most well attended events of the Spring term,” said Andrew Marquez ‘18, head of the STACT board. At press time, the board was overheard planning a butter-churning festivity and an overnight, group “bundling” in the library. Our advice? Stay tuned.