The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: BKH Kisses Cancelled in Heroic Stand From Administration

This past week the Andover community witnessed one of the administration’s greatest shows of bravery in the modern era. Blue Key Head kisses, a tradition as old as wrestling in the locker room showers, where the school spirit leaders sell kisses to other students for Valentine’s Day, has ended.

An anonymous faculty member, who preferred not be named due to backlash from the sniveling student body, said, “We just felt like this time of year can be especially hard, and the last thing kids need is the spread of joy and happiness, because those don’t build character like crippling work loads. Not to mention the fact that my colleagues and I always felt left out.” This wasn’t the first attempt at ending the tradition. Last year, Andover bought out all the red lipstick at the surrounding stores, which backfired when the trustees realized it wasn’t quite their shade.

Students were surprised to hear that the recent change was made in their best interests, because just like the swirlies they were all subjugated to Junior year, they were not asked beforehand. Cana Wupas P’20 said, “I’m glad the tradition was cancelled. Unfortunately these kids just don’t know what’s best for them. I personally have to pack my son’s lunch and plan out his outfits; we just can’t afford to give them agency.” These fears were echoed by many adults on campus that if the student body was given a voice in the conversation they would inevitably choose the wrong (i.e. not the administration’s) opinion. Jebidiah Nazareth ’18 commented, “This is the one day of the year when my lips may experience the joys of a kiss. Damn this administration and their war on love.”

Editor’s note: Eighth Page Editor Alex Bernhard was due to receive 35 kisses.