The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Eighth Page Successfully Prevents The Phillipian From Winning Journalistic Award, Again

“Another loss for The Phillipian credited to us? That’s a win,” rejoiced Sophia Gilmour ’19, new Co-Editor of the paper’s satire section, The Eighth Page. Each year, The Phillipian submits itself into a number of journalistic competitions, and each year it receives the same criticism, phrased to varying degrees of constructiveness: “You would have won, had it not been for The Eighth Page, which is wholly unfunny and unprofessional.”

This year has been no exception. Representatives from the board of prestigious award Ego Inc. described the Eighth Page as “glorified toilet humour, trashy, and laced with inappropriate innuendos… unbecoming of a such a respectable institution.” Upon reading this, and to the dismay of Editor-in-Chief Helen He ’19, the word “toilet” elicited a stifled giggle from the Editors.

The Editors of the Eighth Page welcomed the news of their intentional and successful sabotage of the paper’s prosperity with their usual verve. “My parents have never been so proud of me,” said Co-Editor Alex Bernhard ’19, through sweet, joyous tears.

“Maybe it’s the fact that someone took the time to analyze my writing for hidden sexual innuendos; maybe it’s the fact that I’ve finally been given credit for something big,” he continued.

Bernhard and Gilmour, known for more than just their outrageous good looks, dedicate a significant portion of their free time to bringing a unique style of lowbrow, contumacious satire to an otherwise boringly serious paper and school. The task of robbing The Phillipian of journalistic recognition is one that falls close to the top of their list of goals.

At press time, the pair were heard bragging to other sections, who had actually put in a lot of effort towards working for this award.